Can you learn to be happier?
Today I wanted to dive into a question that I’ve been asked a lot over the years of being The Joyful Coach which is; can you learn to be happier?
Most people want to experience more joy, happiness and positivity in their lives and I’m guessing that because you’re reading this, this applies to you too.
During my experience working as a positive psychology practitioner over the last few years, I’ve encountered a lot of scepticism. People claiming joy is purely circumstantial, that of course, it’s easier for some people to be more joyful than others because they have fewer worries, or more resources, or less troubles. I’ve heard people argue that we are born with our outlook on life, that we are either a glass half full or half empty, and that's just the way it is. I’ve read more than a few comments that people teaching others to be happier is all a big scam and that we shouldn’t pay it any attention.
And I get it because for a long time I agreed with those people. I thought that happy people were that way because they had perfect lives, or never faced any challenges. I thought you were either born naturally optimistic and cheerful or you weren’t. I thought that the idea that you could learn to be happier was, to be frank, a load of crap.
And then I stumbled across the field of positive psychology.
An introduction to positive psychology and how it can help you learn to be happier
For those of you who haven’t come across positive psychology before, it’s a field of psychology that was first formally recognised in 2000. It was founded by a man called Dr Martin Seligman, and the reason for its formation was to understand how we could all live more positive lives and improve our wellbeing.
Until the formation of positive psychology as an official field of study, psychology as an academic area had focused almost exclusively on poor mental health. So it looked at how we could support people from feeling like a -10 to get them to a place where they feel like a zero. But no one was looking at how people go from a 0 to a +10, no one was looking at improvement or making things better.
And I find that quite interesting because when you look at physical health, we’ve been focusing on the positive side of things for a really long time. For centuries, researchers have been exploring the actions or treatments that can help you be fitter, healthier and better. We all accept there are things that we can do to make ourselves feel better, we don’t wait until we’re injured or unwell to start taking action to prioritise our physical health. And yet, when it came to psychology, we were totally focused on taking people to a place where they feel okay, rather than to a place where they flourish. That was until positive psychology came along and changed everything.
The premise behind positive psychology is simple. First of all, researchers study happy people to see if there is anything different to the people who identify as not so happy. They then conduct scientific experiments to see if engaging with those particular things helps people to be happier. It essentially identifies the things that happy people do that unhappy people don’t, and then looks at if we all do the things happy people do, will we see an increase in our overall level of happiness?
What researchers have found over the last few years is that, yes, there are things that we can do. Contrary to popular belief, the field of positive psychology is a rigorous academic domain and the research run in this field is of the same standard and quality that you’d expect in other fields. I know this from digging into my own research in this field, it’s very rigorous, very empirical, very scientific data, so you can rest assured that this isn’t someone making things up and having a guess, these are all scientifically proven to help you be happier.
4 ways to learn to become happier
Thousands of studies have proven that there are many actions we can take to help improve our mood and our life satisfaction. And those studies show it isn’t always the things we expect that will improve our happiness.
The reason so many of us assume you can’t learn to be happier is that most of us are never taught how to do it. Since happiness is a goal for all of us, you’d assume we’d be teaching these tools in schools across the world. Unfortunately, learning how to be joyful doesn’t sit alongside maths and science on the curriculum, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn to be more positive.
Be open to the idea of joy
Researchers have found that the happiest people are open to the idea of being happy. Sounds simple, but if you’re going around telling yourself you can’t be happy with what you’ve already got and you need to make some big changes first, you’re probably going to miss a lot of the opportunities for joy which exist day to day.
Wanting to be happy and proactively seeking out the opportunities that will help you feel that way is a simple and powerful first step in learning to be happier. So, this week, consider whether you are proactively seeking happiness, and where you might be leaving some slivers of joy on the table. Seek out those positive emotions and see what happens - chances are you might realise there are already plenty of reasons to be cheerful.
Prioritise connection in your daily life
When it comes to joy and happiness, the research is pretty conclusive: connection is key. In fact, one major Harvard study following over 700 men over the course of their lives showed that those who were most connected to their family, friends and communities are the happiest, healthiest and most resilient.
The study highlighted that the quality of the participant’s relationships was a greater indicator of their well-being than their class, income, IQ, or even genes, and the opposite is true as well. Research has shown that loneliness is more damaging to your health and wellbeing than smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
One thing research highlights is that we don’t have to have perfect relationships. I wanted to draw this out because sometimes the idea that we have to have a perfect relationship can be a barrier to us pursuing connection. But the research says bickering and disagreeing is absolutely fine, so long as you feel like you can count on that person.
And it’s not just our close relationships either - simple interactions like saying hello to the postman, or chatting to the barista at the coffee shop can have a significant impact on your mood. So, this week, maybe try and be a bit friendlier and open to these simple interactions.
Gratitude
I know I go on about gratitude a lot, but I do so because it is so, so effective. According to research, counting your blessings is one of the most direct ways to boost your mood and experience more joy. It also has a whole tonne of health benefits too, with some studies suggesting that a regular gratitude practice can even help you to live longer.
It is important to remember with gratitude that it’s not about brushing away the challenging parts of life or trying to dismiss them, it’s simply about giving the good parts of life as much attention as the bad.
There are loads of ways you can practice more gratitude; write a list of things you feel grateful for today, say a heartfelt thank you to someone who has supported you recently, or take some time to reflect on a time when you wanted what you currently have.
For your gratitude practice to have maximum impact, try and be as specific as you can. The more detailed you are, the more positive you will feel as a result.
Remember that your circumstances don’t matter as much as you might think
So many of us fall into the trap of thinking we’ll be happy when - happy when we get a promotion, happy when we have a certain amount of savings, happy when we buy a bigger house. But what the research shows is that unless we are in a position where we are struggling to meet our basic needs - having enough food, having a sense of security, having a home - acquiring more money doesn’t actually have a significant impact on how happy we feel.
The reason why I like to share this fact is that it can be a helpful reminder to let go of the constant striving and enjoy life exactly as it is right now. If more money isn’t going to make us happier, it’s easier to draw boundaries at work that allow us to enjoy life as it is already. If material things aren’t going to bring us more joy, it might make it easier to save our money to spend on things that will, like experiences where we can create new, happy memories. And, most importantly, it can be the reminder you need to just chill out, and realise that things are more than okay, exactly as they are - and that just feels like a huge permission slip for me.
So there you have it! Hopefully, by now you are feeling convinced that you can learn to be happier, and have got some things to try in the next week or so to help you cultivate more joy in your daily life.