Embracing the limbo

“How are you feeling?!”. That’s the question I’ve been asked the most this week - by family members on FaceTime, in excited texts from friends, in kind and curious DMs on Instagram.

There’s a reason I’ve been asked that question so much this week, and it’s because I am rapidly approaching one of my biggest career milestones yet - the publication of my first book, Choose Joy, which will be happening this coming Tuesday. 

I’ve been rolling out a stock answer in response - “excited and nervous!” I've replied, usually in an awkwardly high pitched tone, or followed up with lots of emojis that reveal I’m perhaps not as cool, calm and collected as I’d like to be. But I think that perhaps the most honest answer I can give is that right now, a few days before my book starts to reach shelves and the hands of the people who have pre-ordered it, I feel like I’m trapped in a bit of a limbo period.

It’s a strange place to be, this limbo period, especially for someone like me who isn’t a huge fan of relinquishing control. Because two things feel very true: 1) the release of this book is a really important thing for me, both personally and professionally, and 2) I have very little control over how the next few weeks will unfold.

For the most part, my work on this book is done, and has been since July of this year. Of course, I’ll be spending the coming month promoting it and talking about it at events, but there is nothing I can do now to radically shape how the book is received. That time passed months ago, when we completed the final edits and signed off on the design. 

My influence is limited (at best) at this stage - readers will either love it or they won’t, people will either recommend it to their friends or they won’t. I can’t do much to change that now. All I can do is trust that the work I’ve done is good enough, and surrender to whatever the launch and the aftermath bring with them.

The trouble is, the ability to trust and surrender are not up there with my most honed skills. I feel more comfortable when it feels like I have some element of control (don’t we all?!), and so letting go and being at peace with the outcome, whatever it may be, isn’t something that feels all that natural to me.

But I’m trying. I’m trying to manage my expectations, remembering that even getting a book to publication stage is a huge win in and of itself. I’m trying to trust that all of the work I’ve done in these last 4 years - both creating the book, but also fostering a community of brilliant people - will work in my favour. And most of all, I’m trying to enjoy this period. Publishing a book has been on my bucket list since I was a little girl scouring the library shelves - I don’t want to let my fear of letting go marr my experience of achieving this goal.

I’m also learning the lessons of this experience. Because trusting and surrendering are skills I’m being called to rely on in so many areas of my life right now. I’m having to trust my body as it continues to grow our baby, surrendering to the many limitations that late-stage pregnancy brings. I’m having to trust that things will work out for people that I love, surrendering to the curveballs that life often throws our way. Very little in life is guaranteed. We are all in a perpetual limbo period, although we sometimes perhaps try to convince ourselves otherwise.

And so, as I enter book launch week, I’m determined to embrace the limbo. To enjoy the challenge, to allow the discomfort to sit alongside the joy. And most of all, to remember how fortunate I am to be in this position in the first place. I’m truly grateful for this experience. 

That’s the truth of how I’m feeling right now. It’s messy and muddled, often uncomfortable, but there’s so much excitement, joy and hope there, too. 

See you on the other side!